Thursday, January 9, 2014
The house music mix for my show tonight is too real for ‘em. It’s called DC PIERSON WILL STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND and it’s at 7 PM at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Dominic Dierkes is opening and you can still get tickets here:

The house music mix for my show tonight is too real for ‘em. It’s called DC PIERSON WILL STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND and it’s at 7 PM at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Dominic Dierkes is opening and you can still get tickets here:

Saturday, November 30, 2013

One of the things that makes Settlers Of Catan a great board game is, you’re never “out.” You never get fully eliminated before the game itself is over, so even if you have zero chance of winning you can still hang out in the game and be a headache for the person who has a ninety percent chance of winning.

I wish life was like that. That no one ever died, that instead of dying you just became not-really-a-factor, but you could still hang out and crack jokes and, more importantly, mess with some asshole who’s still kicking.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I was checking out at Trader Joe’s. I was wearing my Google t-shirt.

The older check-out lady said, “Wasn’t Google on the Internet yesterday?”

"… It’s always on the Internet," I said, maybe too affronted for someone that has no personal or financial stake in Google.

"No, not Google,” she said. “What was it? They had a billion dollars or something?”

"Twitter," I said. "Twitter had their IPO yesterday."

"That’s it," she said. "They went on the Internet yesterday."

I didn’t correct her again. We all knew what we meant. And at some point during this exchange, two people clarifying for each other who exactly has billions of dollars and why, I had the following thought:

I am going to be broke forever.

Friday, November 8, 2013

A predetermined total amount of sex is going to be had in the world tonight.

Some of it will either be had by you or it won’t.

Now stop agonizing over that text message.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Take heart:

Most of those well-styled smiley sexually attractive financially stable people who seem like they’re never gonna actually do anything are never gonna actually do anything.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

At the end of my Freshman year of high school our theatre teacher announced the plays we’d be doing the upcoming year. It was so exciting. I read all the shows and narrowed down which roles would permit me maximum triumph.

Over the summer, the principal fired our teacher for letting us play laser tag in the auditorium. His replacement then scheduled a different, shorter slate of plays.

The principal’s name was Dr. Mosher.

That fucker still owes me a Brighton Beach Memoirs and I intend to collect.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

In third grade I attended a newly built elementary school.

The student body got to vote on our mascot. Designs had been submitted by the students themselves. This was Arizona, so a lot of the mascots were desert-themed. I remember there was a cactus. Somebody wanted us to be the Estrellas.

And then there was a shark.

The shark wore sunglasses, and his name was Finn McCool.

I don’t think they even had to count the votes.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

1 Slot Left In My Writing Class Starting Tonight

Come kick it with us for the next four Wednesday nights, starting tonight. You will write things you’re proud of.

Monday, September 23, 2013

"This is where it gets complicated," I said, pointing at everything.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

"Witch Night"



There’s a tap on my bedroom window.

I yelp, and look up. It’s Nina, who disappeared seven days ago.

She’s sitting perched at the edge of the window-mounted flower box, facing out into the night. You couldn’t get up there without a ladder, but I don’t see one.

I push the window open. 

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi,” I say. “Are you okay?”

“Totally,” she says.

“Do you want food or, like, a blanket—”

“Liz,” she says, “it’s cool. This isn’t a distress thing, and I’m not coming back, I just thought I would come say ‘hi.’”

“Hi!” I say again, like clip-art of a happy person. 

Then I start crying.

“No, don’t, I’m fine,” she says. “I’m so fine, I’m better than fine!”

“Okay,” I say. Then I stop crying. I make myself.

“I have seen such creepy shit in the last little while,” she says, “but nothing as creepy as the fact that you can just stop crying on a dime like that.”

“Can I put that on a college application? Like under special skills,” I say. “That’s got to be some kind of achievement, right? ‘One time I creeped out a witch.’”

“Sounds like you could get an essay out of that,” she says, “but if there’s one thing I’ve never worried about, it’s your ability to get an essay out of something.”

There are many, many things Nina always seemed not to be worried about. She projected an emotional wall of not-worried-about-it ten feet high, and behind the wall were the kind of worries that apparently can drive you to exchange your life in human society for one I cannot even begin to understand.

“Aren’t you cold out there?” I say, thinking that by “out there” I mean “sitting outside my window in the middle of the night in early November,” but realizing I actually mean “the world.”

“No,” she says, “but thanks for asking.”


There’s a golf course across the street from our school, and next to it there’s a walled-in bunch of above-ground pipes and meters that probably do something like regulate the golf course’s sprinkler system or the water level of its man-made lake. There’s this alley between one of the walls and some fenced-in power lines where kids from our school go to smoke. I went out there with her a few times between finishing our food and the lunch bell ringing. 

At first it was cool, and I didn’t smoke, just got a buzz from the totally acceptable amount of risk involved in leaving school grounds during the day despite not being Seniors. The kids were mostly older and pretty nice, and they liked the same music as Nina. I stopped going with her once I realized it wasn’t just for the companionship of cool kids who agreed with her about what was bullshit, she had a chemical need to go out there and smoke. Once she started having her own cigarettes. I thought not going would be a good way to get her to stop, but it wasn’t. And not long after I stopped, this guy who didn’t go to our school started hanging out back there.

“People are gonna say, oh, she got seduced by that guy and wanted to become a monster, like Twilight or something, but I’m not even attracted to him. There’s nothing less sexy than a guy who’s actually a thousand spiders.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s literally a thousand spiders inside of a human skin.”

“Oh. Wow. Umm… Cool?”

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