May 2012
5 posts
I wish I were the fun kind of self-absorbed.
"Who is THAT man?"
A little kid walked by me on the street and turned to his mom and say, “Who is THAT man?”
I immediately called up my publicist and yelled at him for an hour.
Crappy Miracles
I thought the homeless man by the off-ramp
had thrown his change cup at me.
But then the cup started flying, like, with wings
and I realized he hadn’t thrown anything,
it was a pigeon all along.
Crappy miracles birthed by bad cognition.
Something That's Been Working For Me Recently
Something in the future (a show or an audition or a meeting or a dreaded cup of coffee or scary doctor’s appointment) is causing me some amount of anxiety.
I think: THIS THING (whatever it is) IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND THEN IT WILL BE OVER.
I try not to focus on the outcome of the thing. The reassurance comes not from the guttering candle-flame of conviction that “it will be...
April 2012
3 posts
Band: “Hey, we got a few fuzzed-out guitars and a synthesizer and a girl who’s more excited about singing than she is talented, but she’s also shy, y’know? And the whole thing sounds like it was recorded inside the one sock that was left in the corner of an apartment after the tenants moved out in kind of a rush.”
(*DC clicks button reading BUY IT NOW AT ANY PRICE*)
March 2012
12 posts
"Whaddup Y'all, It's Ya Boy..."
I hosted this SPIN party at SXSW last week. It was very fun and there were lots of cool acts on the bill. I was pretty overwhelmed by the (I think, accurate) impression that no one was there to see me or wanted to hear a lot from me, so I tried to keep it tight and move things along. The one small venue I found for comedy I decided to lean on (besides continually exhorting people to “make...
1 tag
Writing About 2Pac In Los Angeles, A Place It...
I wanted to write about listening to 2pac in Los Angeles. It was an idea I’d had for a while and this afternoon I’d written the requisite 750 words of the long thing I’m writing right now, the 750 words I must write on it every day in order to go to bed having pleased the gods, permitting me to sleep the sleep of the just, or so I decided like a week ago after listening to a...
My SXSW Schedule
I am taking my one-man jokewave project (read: stand-up comedy) to SXSW this week. Here are my dates, if you’re gonna be there. (DC PIERSON IS BAD AT GIRLS is open to all! Come!)
Wednesday, March 14 - Brown Paper Tickets Showcase - Esther’s Follies 8:30 PM
Thursday, March 15 - DC PIERSON IS BAD AT GIRLS - Underground Comedy Fest 8 PM - OPEN TO THE PUBLIC - tickets:...
1 tag
My Imaginary Rap Label
Rick Ross has MMG, or Maybach Music Group. Jeezy has CTE, or Corporate Thug Entertainment. I have FWD, or Fraught With Doubt.
PUT ONE FINGER IN THE AIR IF YOU DOWN WITH FWD!
THEN REALIZE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WITH YOUR FINGER IN THE AIR AND TAKE THE FINGER DOWN!
THEN THINK ABOUT HOW YOU JUST GAVE IN TO MOB MENTALITY AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE GONNA PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE AIR AGAIN!
PUT...
My New LOW TIMES Comedy Piece: Paul Westerberg...
80s indie rock icon Paul Westerberg has announced completion of an independent pilot for a new comedy game show, “Paul Westerberg Presents WESTERBURN!” inspired by insult-comedy competition shows such as MTV’s “Yo Momma,” which left the air in 2007. “I’ve always been a fan of the format,” the former Replacements singer commented, “and one Kickstarter campaign later, here I am.”
Read the...
February 2012
16 posts
I Always Wanted To Be Wes Anderson
I’ve thought about Wes Anderson a lot lately.
I think there’s a trough, as your age becomes equidistant from Max Fischer and Steve Zissou, where it’s important that you act all better than Wes Anderson. At least, it seems to be an important rite of passage for most of my friends and contemporaries. It was probably most acute for people exactly my age (I’m twenty-seven) who were in high school...
MAGIC BAG tonight in Los Angeles...
…Eliza Skinner and myself are joined by such stellar comics as:
Rob Lathan
Gabe Liedman
Daniel St. Germain
Julia Prescott
Nathan Fielder
Aaron Hertzog
9:30 PM at the Little Modern Theater, 6476 Santa Monica Blvd, $5
Two Retail Observations
1. I saw what used to be a Baja Fresh with a sign in its window announcing that it’s becoming a Chipotle. If you want you can go ahead and make that into a metaphor for our political process. Might I suggest that the point of the ensuing metaphor be that our political process doesn’t contain nearly enough burritos.
2. The other morning the marquee of the Shakey’s Pizza on...
Curiosity And A Feline Christ
If it’s true curiosity killed the cat, then I suggest we revere that cat as a sort of Christ-figure who died so that we may experience the glory of curiosity in all its bookstore-hopscotching endless-Wikipedia-loop-inspiring glory. Thanks, cat. Because of you I can buy records by the people who influenced the people whose records I already liked, and to go back and back and back like that...
Ghoul Culture
All of us in a race to be the most callous, stacking up boulders on the road that runs right into the center of ourselves. If we can’t send out anything that might help anyone, nothing will ever come up that road and hurt us.
A voice screaming on the other side of the rock-pile:
“You will never catch me caring, much less being cared about.”
In response to this tweet by Jake Fogelnest, one of the world’s best grown-ups: We are rapidly approaching a time where the concept of having (much less minding) our own business will be entirely foreign.
Soon, none of us will have “our own business.” And no: an Etsy does not count.
A Warning
WARNING: Men Who Dress Like They Are In The Arcade Fire, With Suspenders And Olive Slacks And Powder Blue Button Down Shirts: You Look Like Giant Bearded Toddlers
Also: You Are Probably Named “Grant”
Some Word Association
“Hey, what does the word ‘impulsive’ mean to you?”
“‘Selfish and irresponsible.’”
“Okay. What about the phrase ‘I want this?’ What do you think that means?”
“Huh, I think…I think ‘I want this’ also means ‘I deserve this.’”
“Great, and who are you again?”
“Oh,...
“…situated in this apartment, in the big wide open front room with all the windows, I might generally be expected by others to become more productive, even inspired. I have no intention of becoming either inspired or productive; to the contrary I intend to sit in the dark at night in my big black leather chair staring out at the Hollywood Hills like a man gazing on an approaching...
Don’t be the kind of person who goes, “I don’t get it. Explain it to me.” Be the kind of person who goes, “I don’t get it. I shall endeavor to be the kind of person who ‘gets’ more stuff from now on.”
The fun of “getting it” is in the getting of it. Membership has its privileges.
Either way, I’m not explaining my Ben...
A Most Troublesome Dream
“Wake up! Wake up, Maker Of T-Shirts, TV Shows, Movies, Stand-Up Comedy, Or Animated Gifs! You were screaming in your sleep!”
“Oh God, Sheila, I just had the most horrible dream. I dreamt…”
“Yes?”
“It’s too horrible to even say aloud.”
“But you must! To name your fear is to claim your fear! What troubled your otherwise...
January 2012
12 posts
I Will Now Summarize The Worst Kind Of...
“I’m so smart!”
“No, I’m so smart!”
On a plane this weekend, the pilot warned us other pilots had warned him we were about to go through some pretty crazy turbulence, so he was turning on the seatbelt sign and instructing the flight attendants to sit down as well. Then everything was calm for ten minutes. Then the plane was kicked by God. People screamed, drinks escaped their plastic cups and headed for the ceiling. Then it...
My show DC PIERSON IS BAD AT GIRLS is tonight in...
and you can buy tickets here.
The bravest thing you can do to upset gender norms is watch “Paris Is Burning” on Watch Instantly on a Sunday afternoon when playoff football is on.
I’ll never make anything that’s funnier than the part of “Dare To Be Stupid” where Weird Al says “I can’t hear you!” and then “Okay, I can hear you now.”
Asleep in the same bed, the twins unwittingly kickbox.
People say “If you didn’t laugh, you’d cry” as though that shit were mutually exclusive.
Judging from his body language, I thought the businessman was showing the other businessman a smartphone, but it was actually a package of cookies.
Bookshelf.
(*mark as unread*)
December 2011
2 posts
The morning after it had been super-windy
it was still super-windy
and standing on my balcony
we saw three doves flying around.
One of them was all-white,
two of them were white with black tails.
I thought the black-tailed doves were bad omens
but when we got in my car,
“This Is How We Do It” was playing on 92.3,
followed by “I Can’t Go For That,”
Logic dictates that each one of those...